All Too Much
by Soggy-Teabag
Summary: How will Ste deal with things when the kids leave with Amy?
1. Part 1 Prologue

**All too Much**

**Plot – How will Ste deal with things when the kids leave with Amy? **

**AN- Multi chapter and relates to none of my other fics... Ste based fic, although a moustachioed man may make an appearance at some point ;)**

**Achilles part 2 (called Eros) will be coming back too!**

**I found this _extremely hard_ to write... Also – Thanks you to Redheadedpuffball (AKA Rachel) for advising me on certain aspects of this fic! xxx**

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**Prologue**

Ste stood waving desolately as Amy and the kids left the village in the back of a black cab; their luggage packed away tightly in the boot and their faces looking eager in anticipation for the new life ahead of them, as they looked out of the window. He watched numbly, as the car got smaller and smaller, gradually fading into a speck in the distance, then disappearing from view completely.

_The last time he'd see them in months. _

Only once the vehicle had gone, did Ste allow the tears to fall, seeming unable to withhold them any longer. It had been torture the past few days, helping Amy pack, knowing soon he would be living in the flat alone and miserable.

He couldn't understand how Amy could take his kids away from him, knowing how much he needed them in his life, stopping him from going insane. They had been the reason why he had changed, making himself into a better, more honourable person. They had been all the encouragement he needed to go for the deli with Doug. Without them, he was nothing. He didn't have anything left any more.

_Except Doug. _Loyal, kind, trusting Doug. Business partner and boyfriend, they had been through a lot. Doug would never hurt him. He cared about him, wanted the best for him. Thats why, Ste supposed, he accepted the £80,000 grant from Brendan, ensuring they got the deli. Because he cared.

_Good old Doug. _

Model boyfriend and best friend too, Ste felt comfortable with him. He could share things with him, and talk to him and cuddle him and laugh with him. Perfect.

The only problem was... their relationship was boring. Calming, placid, sometimes lethargic. Not exciting and dangerous, like with Brendan.

Ste sighed as he realised he was still stood in the middle of the Street, the darkness seeming a little haunting with the street lights shining over objects, distorting their silhouettes into ugly shapes on the floor. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and made his way back to the flat, all while thinking how when he got there, he'd be all alone. He would have the place to himself, no toys littering the floor, the fridge nearly empty without the kids favoured foods inside, the bathroom cabinet rid of their tiny little toothbrushes and Amy's favourite face cream. Nothing would be the same any more. As he entered the flat, it just looked empty, seeming to big for him. _Too spacious. _He was used to it being cramped with the kids stuff dotted around all over the show, and Amy's magazines and shoes and clothes and jewellery.

The toy box wasn't in it's usual place next to the sofa, their coats weren't hung up on the door. The flat seemed bland. All he had left was their drawings. Drawing and photos. The only proof that they had lived there.

_The only trace of them. _

Pictures of them as babies, toddlers. His favourite was an old photo. It was taken in their living room. He was sat on their old sofa, Leah perched beside him cuddling into his side and a baby Lucas was cradled in his arms, his head nestled at the crook of his elbow. Amy had taken the picture. Looking at it now, Ste let himself sob. He broke down, leaning back against the front door, he slid down until he was collapsed on the floor, his knees up to his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around them. Fat tears rolled constantly down his cheeks as he realised he would no longer see those kids every morning. He wouldn't read to them at night. He wouldn't have the privilege of them climbing on him at 5 in the morning. He realised he'd miss it, as funny as it sounded. At the time, he'd almost wanted them to go away and leave him to sleep. But now... He could think of nothing better than morning cuddles with his beautiful kids.

Slowly but surely, they'd forget about him. He'd still be their dad, sure. But they'd hardly recognise him. He would visit them whenever he could, trying at summer holidays and half terms, but ultimately, he'd be left to see the gaps when he wasn't there. Growth spurts, new teeth and hair cuts would be all he saw. Only the vast changes, as opposed to the gradual development he was used to.

Ste chuffed out a cry, wiping his nose on the back of his hand. He felt dead inside. It had only been 20 minutes since they'd left and already, deep pained coursed through his veins, squeezing around his heart and leaving him feeling breathless and over come with upset. Ste sucked in a breath to calm himself, letting it out slowly. He stood from his position by the door reluctantly, he could happily have stayed there for hours, thinking of all the heart-break he would have to face now Leah and Lucas had left. Amy too. He hadn't even let himself think about her yet...

Feeling broken, Ste wandered into his bedroom, with the intent of lying on the cheap mattress, quilt pulled up over his head, curling up into a ball and crying, exhausting himself into sleep. As he opened the door, he realised a box lay on his bed. It was a brown, wooden box, shaped a bit like a treasure chest - with a curved lid. Momentarily distracted by it, he found himself going further into the room and reaching for it. He picked it up, and found a slip of paper underneath. It read:

_If you can open it, you can have what's inside (I lost the key – Sorry!). We'll miss you Ste! Good Luck in the future and C U soon hopefully!_

_Ames and the kids xxxxxx_

Ste smiled in spite of himself. Trust Amy to lose the key... He didn't dwell too much on the rest of the note, he afraid that if he did, he would start to wail uncontrollably. _Again. _Ste looked at the box curiously. He wondered what was inside. He _needed_ to open it. Taking it into the kitchen, he placed it on the counter, which no longer housed Amy's giant teapot Ste had bought her for Christmas. Ignoring the twinge of sadness in his gut as he thought of Christmases without the kids, he raked around in the drawer, producing a large, sharp kitchen knife. He stabbed it cautiously at the rim of the box, where it divided into two. When this didn't work, he rammed the knife in more forcefully, eager to see what was inside. His anticipation grew and it soon became a frenzied argument between Ste and the box.

_Click. _

The box, old as it was, didn't take much convincing to open, and soon the lock broke and Ste could see what was inside. He lifted the lid and was surprised by what he saw.

Resting at the top of the box, were cards of some description, three of them. Two were hand drawn and the third shop bought. On taking these out, he discovered what was underneath. One clear container labelled "Leah and Lucas" was sat on the left hand side of the box. On the right were photographs, hundreds it seemed, and without looking through them, Ste could feel himself begin to tear up already. Not ready to cry again, he instead picked up the the container and gaped a little at what was inside.

There lay 2 of Leah's baby teeth (Lucas hadn't lost any yet and they were hardly going to be Amy's), a lock of Lucas' blonde hair, a little teddy, a seashell, a hospital tag from when Leah was a baby, and Lucas' dummy. Ste could identify the significance of each of the items, and thought back to happier times.

He remembered the first time Leah had lost her tooth and had sat her on his lap as explained to her who the tooth fairy was, and why she had to put it under her pillow. Leah had frowned a little then and said

"Won't it hurt to lay on it Daddy?"

Thinking of it now, Ste laughed again, like he did at the time.

_Always practical was Leah._

"No, it's only a tooth, Leah." He had replied, smiling and pinching her nose.

"But Daddy, the princess felt the pea and she lay on _twenty _mattresses!" Leah exclaimed, emphasising her point by prodding him.

Ste had laughed again.

"And you're the princess this time? Okay, We'll just put the tooth on the side, yeah?"

"Okay daddy" and Leah had turned around fully and hugged him then, her small arms wrapped around his neck tightly.

Ste gazed at the milk teeth, with a watery smile.

His eyes focussed on the lock of Lucas' hair. He knew it was his because he remembered their first trip to the hair dressers. Lucas had bawled, clearly not impressed by the idea of having hair cut off. Ste had had to dangled his favourite teddy in front of him, acting out a little play while the barber did his job. It was traumatic, and hilarious as he thought back now, in equal measures.

Ste picked up the seashell. It reminded him of their family trip to the Sea-side. They'd gone to Southport for a day trip, and surprisingly the weather had been lovely. There was constant sun, spreading warmth, and a gentle breeze too._ Perfect._

Of course, as soon as they got off of the coach, the kids had wanted to go on the beach, and due to the weather, they ended up spending the entire day there, complete with sandcastles, paddling (the kids refused to believe the water was cold) and whippy ice creams. The shell was particularly significant because Leah and Lucas found it together. Along with Amy, they had gone on a shell hunt across the beach, whilst Ste recovered from paddling, dozing contentedly in the sun. They had run up to him with shouts of "Daddy!" and presented him the shell.

"Aw thanks! Why are you giving it to me?" Ste had asked, smiling and accepting the shell.

Leah and leant forward as if to share a secret. "Because daddy... We love the shell, and we love you!" She whispered and Lucas nodded his head briskly.

It was a lovely shell too, patterned with purple and white swirls on a light pink background. It was unique. Ste had felt the need to reward the kids after that and gave Amy the shell to look after while he surrendered to paddling with the kids. _Again. _

It was a good day.

_One of the best they'd spent together as a family. _

Cradling the shell in his hand now, Ste decided that was his favourite item in the box. Tears brimmed in his eyes and as he thought of that day at the beach, they began to overflow, spilling down Ste's cheeks once again.

The same pain Ste had felt at numerous times in his life crept up on him again, suffocating him in it's foggy smoke. He needed to do something about it. He needed a release. A way of letting go of that hurt which currently sat in his stomach, it's tendrils curling up through the rest of his body. It was making him tremble. He dropped the shell and it smashed, making him wail in fury. That shell was supposed to be a private memento of his children. The thing he was to hold when he missed them.

_It had sentimental worth. _

Now it was broken, like the other tattered remains of Ste's life. Rage crept up on him, a white hot rage he hadn't felt in years. An all consuming anger, which made him do stupid things. Things he couldn't control, like he was possessed. He kicked out suddenly, making a hole in the cheap plaster board cupboard door. He screamed angrily and stumbled into the living room, knocking a vase from the side, a painting from the wall, a lamp from the coffee table. Nothing was making him feel better. Ste wiped his eyes angrily and tumbled back into the kitchen, feeling a heavy sense of foreboding and worry hang over him.

_He was going to be alone. _

_He was losing everyone. _

_No one wanted to be near him. _

_No one cared about him. _

_He was useless. _

Dark, endless thoughts whirled around inside his head, making him dizzy. He made an effort to calm himself, but despite his outburst, felt no better. He needed a release.

_A release._

He staggered into the living room, and collapsed by the sofa. He lay there for a second, feeling numb as his rage subsided into a far more scary emotion. Eventually he discovered something sharp was digging into his hand, drawing blood and forming a small cut.

_Fuck. It stung. _

Momentarily distracted from his previous thoughts of his lonely life, Ste sat up, moving his hand, to reveal the jagged piece of broken vase bedded in the carpet. He picked it up, and examined it critically. The top edge was dirtied by his blood, and he ran his finger over the edge of it, curiously.

It was very sharp, and he could see it would be very effective.

Ste stopping looking the piece of china over. It was then he realised how to cope with his life's woes. How to deal with the lonely, depressing, dark and dangerous thoughts which had surfaced in his mind only moments before. When he had felt the pain shoot up his hand, it had distracted him from those thoughts. Those self destructive, horrible thoughts.

Raising the his left sleeve, Ste pressed the shard of vase into the skin of his arm...

Applying pressure, Ste realised he knew how to cope with the heart-wrenching emotional pain, which looked to be taking up residence in his life now Amy and the kids were gone. The suffocating inner turmoil.

He could make it vacate, by covering it with _more_ pain.

But a _different_ pain.

A _more bearable_, physical pain.

Blood seeped from the newly formed wound on his lower arm, and Ste discovered the way he was going to cope in the oncoming months.

_And he was feeling better already._

_**TBC**_

**Thank you for reading, there will be more to come! **

**Comments are always appreciated so please review or PM me - Whatever floats your boat...**

_**Until the next time...**_

**Also, next chapter will take at least two weeks to emerge because I'm going to camp on Saturday...**

**Hasta Luego x**


	2. Part 2

**All too Much **

**AN – Thank you for your lovely reviews. I'm glad those who are reading this are enjoying it. Well not so much enjoying it, but... eager for more?**

**I wasn't sure whether to post the story originally because of the depth of the storyline, but you've all made me feel so much more confident about it, so thank you.**

**May I also mention... It does get better.**

_**Eventually.**_

**Thanks to my puffles (Redheadedpuffball) who is like my beta reader but better! Blame her for any typos though ;)**

**Oh, and finally... Sorry for such a long wait for this chapter; I was at camp, where I participated in life threatening activities. But I am back! And bruised. A lot. ****Also, it took me 3 rewrites, where I completely changed the structure each time. I finally think I'm happy with it now. Or **_**happier at least.**_

**Thank you and I hope you, uh, **_**appreciate **_**(?) the next chapter.**

**Tea**

**x**

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**Part 2**

Ste felt shit. There was no other way to put it. As he walked to work, his hands deeply rooted in his pockets, and only his thoughts for company, the realisation the kids wouldn't be there to cheer him up when he got back home hit him like a ton of bricks. Everything reminded him of them; the flat, the deli, the village. He had memories of the kids constantly popping up in his head, reminding him of what he was missing. He couldn't get away from the plague-like thoughts which constantly tormented him, reminding him he was on his own now. The only way to lose those thoughts, even if only for half an hour, was with something sharp and unblemished skin. _How bad was that?_ Ste traced the long sleeve of his shirt self-consciously, looking around as if everyone could still see the cuts littering his left arm.

He wasn't completely alone though. He still had Doug didn't he? In fact, Ste could believe if he went into the deli and told Doug all his troubles and woes, maybe he'd feel better. Maybe he wouldn't need anything sharp. He'd only done _it _once. It wasn't like he was going to make a habit of it, was he? Doug would help him, wouldn't he?

Ste trundled in the deli door. He was glad Doug would be in there when he got in. It would mean he could just go straight in and cry into his shoulder, allow himself to disintegrate into a mess of sobs once again. It was mid morning, in-between the morning coffee customers and the lunch time rush. The perfect time for a break Ste went, to be greeted by an middle-aged couple, dressed in sandals, shorts and vests – despite the weather – talking with Leanne, who was perched on the end of the coffee table. Doug, however, was stood behind the counter of the deli, appearing to try and immerse himself with the Panini's, and looking a little panicked. Ste decided to keep a lid on his feelings for a little while longer. As soon as Leanne and the couple left, Ste and Doug could shut the shop, and have a cuddle,_ or so he thought._

He paid hardly any attention to the couple and Leanne, instead wandering over to Doug behind the counter. He took off his coat, and slung an apron over his light blue, long sleeved – better to be safe then sorry – shirt. He looked at Doug with a miserable expression, to be greeted by an equally solemn face.

"What's up?" Ste said quietly.

Doug didn't answer. Ste went to pull him into a hug, but Doug pushed him away.

Ste was startled. _Had he done something wrong? _Doug answered his question as if he'd heard him.

"Sorry, it's not you..." he whispered, his eyes trained on Leanne and the couple, who were oblivious. "I need to tell you somethin-"

"So Son" the over-zealous woman Leanne had been locked into conversation with only a moment ago, addressed Doug, turning to him. "Your pa and I were wondering... how long have you and lovely Leanne been together?"

So the couple were his folks then._ Hm. _So Doug hadn't told them he was gay yet then? Ste was sure Doug had told him his parents knew... Nevertheless, his mum had _sooo got the wrong end of the stick._

Ste waited patiently for Doug to correct her. He didn't. Instead Leanne answered.

"Oh, Years!" Leanne beamed animatedly. "Was love at first sight, weren't it Dougie?"

Ste was astounded. He gaped at Doug. Why was he letting her lie? Surely now Doug was going to spill all. He couldn't keep up this charade for long. Doug cleared his throat. "Yup. It sure was."

What?! Ste looked between _the happy couple_, outraged.

Doug was lying through his teeth. He hadn't told his parents he was gay, like he'd told Ste he had. He had allowed Leanne to continue to conjure up stupid ideas, and make matters escalate. Ste felt betrayed. Not only had Doug lied to him, but he had just stood back and allowed Leanne to say such a hurtful thing, knowing Ste was already feeling fragile due to his kids leaving. Doug once said he'd never hurt him again. _Yet he just had._

No one was paying Ste any attention. Leanne had snatched Stes boyfriend away from him, behind the counter, and now the four of them were sat on two sofas. Doug's parents and Leanne deep in conversation – probably as Leanne spewed more lies - while Doug's eyes constantly flickered from them to Ste.

Ste felt dizzy. He couldn't comprehend it all. White hot tears began to form in his eyes. He had to leave the deli.

He left from his position behind the counter, wrenching open the door, and stumbling into Hollyoaks high street, ignoring Doug's desperate cry of "Ste".

Ste needed to go somewhere. Anywhere. Just not the flat. He couldn't face that. The bare walls and tidiness wouldn't help his desolate demeanour.

It began to rain. Ste stood hopelessly, getting soaked through quickly.

Shivering he found his feet leading him somewhere, without his brains consent. He staggered up the stairs, and knocked on a door, hoping desperately someone was inside.

The door was opened, revealing an angry looking face, which promptly softened, on catching sight of Ste.

Brendan observed him for a moment, taking in his sad, lifeless, crying eyes, water-matted hair, and rain-soaked clothes.

"Stephen." He said quietly, before taking hold of his wrists and pulling him into the flat.

Ste collapsed onto Brendan's chest the moment the door was pushed too, wailing into his shirt. Brendan in return stroked his hair, attempting to soothe him from whatever it was that was bothering him. Ste knew he shouldn't have come to Brendan's. He was his ex, and they were hardly on good terms. He just needed some comfort, and he had no one else did he? Brendan would understand. Not so long ago he had gone through the same as Ste – losing his kids. Ste snuffled further into Brendan's chest, inhaling the smell.. He smelt of mint. Tea tree. And something just purely Brendan. They remained hugging one another for a while, Brendan continuing to stroke his hair, and Ste toying with the buttons on Brendan's shirt.

Eventually, Ste had the presence of mind to pull away, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"I'm... sorry." Ste mumbled, looking at his shoes. Brendan stepped closer to him, and raised his hand. Ste jolted.

Brendan's eyes widened.

"Stephen." Brendan's hand continued to moved, stroking hair away from Stes temple. "I... I wasn't gonna..."

Ste nodded. "I know. Sorry."

Brendan was quiet for a minute. "You gonna tell me why yer here? And why yer crying?"

A lone tear fell down Stes face and Brendan wiped it with his thumb. Sensing Stephen didn't want to talk about it yet, Brendan spoke again.

"Sit down, and I'll get ye some warm clothes."

Ste sat down, as Brendan darted upstairs, and rummaged around his wardrobe, searching for his smallest clothes.

He came back down with a blue jumper and some black jogging bottoms, handing them to Stephen. Leaving Ste to get changed he headed off into the kitchen, fixing them both a tea. He looked at his watch. He should have been at the club 10 minutes ago, but Stephen was more important. When he emerged a little later with tea and some chocolate digestives, – once, a while ago, Stephen had told him how they were his favourite biscuits – Ste was changed, sat on the sofa with his legs crossed, and curled around a cushion, staring. The clothes Brendan had given him totally engulfed him, making him look smaller than ever. Brendan placed the biscuits and teas on the table and texted Walker a quick message telling him to cover for him at the club, because something had come up. Brendan put his phone away and looked back at Ste, finding he was still gazing off distantly. Brendan coughed.

"Stephen." He said softly, and Ste blinked. "Why are ye here?"

Ste looked up, and met Brendan's gaze. "They've left me," was all he could say.

"Whose left ye?"

Ste sniffed, fingering the end of the jumper. "Ames n the kids."

Brendan looked surprised. "Wanna tell me why?"

Ste paused a minute. "Ames doing some course in Manchester. Needed a new start. Took the kids with her."

Ste shivered again. Brendan reached forward and passed him his tea, their hands briefly touched as the cup was transferred between them. Ste held onto the cup with both hands, warming them up.

"So ye didn't go with them... Cos of the Deli? _Douglas_?"

"Yeah... And Amy... She needs to think about herself now."

"How come you didn't go to... Dougie then?"

Ste sniffed. "He... he doesn't get it."

"And I do." Brendan stated. "It's a dark place yer in right now Stephen. You _cannot_ expect Douglas to understand that darkness, not the way I do."

Ste nodded and Brendan hand landed on his thigh, gripping a moment before releasing.

Brendan hummed. Ste took a sip of his tea and reached for a biscuit. For a while they just sat in silence, terrifying thoughts whirred around in their heads, yet they seemed to both seek comfort in being in the presence of one another. Such close proximity.

Ste felt warm. Being with Brendan was doing things to him. Ste pondered what it meant. Lately, he'd discovered he still felt something for Brendan. Something he thought he had buried. And now, visiting him to talk through his pain. It only backed up what he had suspected since Lynsey's murder. _He was still in love with Brendan Brady._ That was bad wasn't it? Even though when he was with Brendan he felt... secure. Most of the time anyway. That's when he wasn't hitting him. No, Brendan was bad. But... whenever he kissed him. Whenever he smiled at him. Their cuddle they'd shared only a moment before. They just made him...

Ste found himself leaning towards the moustachioed man. Gently his lips touched Brendan's. He closed his eyes and savoured the taste. Their tongues met. It was a slow kiss. Full of feelings and emotion. It was amazing.

As much as they were both enjoying it, Brendan knew he had to stop it. He pulled away begrudgingly.

"Stephen. We can't... Yer hurting... It would be wrong to...uh... _encroach_ on that"

Ste shook his head as if to clear it._ No _he thought. He'd cheated on Doug. He was terrible person. And Brendan didn't even want to kiss him. He'd sacrificed a relationship for a man who didn't even love him.

"I'm sorry... I should, I should never have come here." He stood, stumbling slightly, his eyes darting everywhere.

He backed away, chanting the word 'sorry' like a mantra. Brendan called out to him, just like Doug had earlier, but Ste ignored it, blundering out of the door.

And then he was gone, and off he disappeared into the outside world, out of their cocoon of mutual comfort and off into his own cove of despair. He unlocked the door of his own flat and disappeared into his bedroom of solitude, digging out the saved piece of china caked in old blood. And he set to work again.

_**TBC**_

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**Thank you for reading part 2, even if it took 2 weeks and some to emerge...**

**If you have time, please review :D**

**Also, redheadedpuffball's got a new fic coming out... If you have time, check it out! Its really good and her first fic!**

**x**


	3. Part 3

**All Too Much**

**AN – Hello! Thank you for all the reviews of the last chapter :D ( I got 8 – The highest amount I've ever had for one chapter!) Thank you also to all those who favourited and followed me or the story, it's really encouraging :D**

**Here is part three! Let me know what you think!**

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**Part 3**

Ste stood staring into space behind the counter of the deli. It was 6.30am in the morning and he wasn't supposed to start work til 8. Still, he liked to think, and in the flat, it felt like he couldn't without bursting into tears. And he was sick of tears. All he had done for the past three days was cry. It was becoming boring, and a new numbness had set in anyway... one which didn't require his tears. He wasn't even sure why he was upset any more. Sure, he was missing the kids bucket loads. Not a minute went by where he didn't think about them. Maybe it was Doug and Leanne. _Nope._ Ste didn't even know any more. What he did know, was that right now, if Amy was around, Ste would've gone to her. She was like his councillor. She was _amazing._ How was he going to get through the struggles of everyday without her to vent his anger and calm him down? Amy made him a rational person. She knew exactly what to say, and when. _She also would've noticed the signs Ste wasn't as okay as he made out._

Ste stood for the next hour and a half, simply staring. He was in a dark place; Brendan was right. It was dingy, and small, and cramped, and not a place Ste liked to be. Yet there he was. When he was younger, visits to that place were far more frequent. He was a regular, popping in once a day, whether it be after a beating from Terry, or a shitty day at school, he always found himself there. He hated it, yet it seemed he couldn't escape even if he tried. That was until Amy came and showed him the way out, taking him on a journey to far more pleasant places. Areas which made him feel happy. Ste could never be more grateful to her; she had really changed his perspective on life, despite the fact he had been such a terrible person. She fixed him. Even after he'd beat the shit out of her, she'd still been willing to fix him up. And without her, Ste was really struggling...

The day at the deli passed by slowly; giving Ste a lot of time to think. Doug had called his mobile- which Ste hadn't answered – and left a voice mail telling him he couldn't come in due to his parents visit. It wasn't the first voice mail he'd left. Since Ste had fled the shop the previous day he had left countless. He'd even come round, knocking on the flats door and speaking through the letterbox, telling Ste how much he loved him and how it hadn't meant to happen; how things had spiralled out of control. Ste found the phrase _'spiralled out of control'_ quite relevant to both of them. For Doug it was the whole girlfriend thing, and for Ste... The kiss. Truthfully, Ste was thankful Doug hadn't come in. It meant he didn't have to face him. Ste didn't know whether he'd be able to hide what he'd done if Doug was standing in front of him, begging forgiveness and crying his eyes out in the way which made Ste's heart melt.

What did the kiss even mean? Ste knew he sought comfort after the removal of his kids and Doug's betrayal but... Clearly old feelings were coming back into play. And he'd made an idiot of himself too. Shown up on Brendan's door step; open, vulnerable and needy. Poured his heart out, he had. Then he'd attempted a kiss. He still thought Brendan reciprocated those feelings of love and desire, but the rejection was evidence of quite the contrary. And then Ste had left, feeling miserable and alone once again. He didn't have _anyone _to talk to. So off he'd gone back to the flat with only a sharp object and his depressing thoughts for company.

When 5.30 – closing time – came, Ste was eager to go home and bury his head in his pillow, allowing sleep to claim him. He hadn't had much since Amy and the kids had left, and it was finally catching up with him. He locked up and went straight to bed; changing quickly into the clothes Brendan had given him yesterday and curling up into a ball, hiding under the duvet, as if concealing himself from the hurt he'd been feeling in the past few days.

XOX

_Darkness. Then a sudden bright light. BOOM. Right in his eyes. He can't see. Now he can. A figure. Doug. His eyes are glittering and he's smiling. Is it at Ste? No. He turns to his left and then Leanne is there, whispering in his ear, evil smile painted on her face. Doug's sweet little grin is transformed. An ugly smirk, matching Leanne's. He says Doug's name, but he doesn't hear. Leanne kisses him._

_Then another bright light and they've gone. BOOM. More figures appear. Silhouettes. Now the outline of them. A startling light. It's bright, so bright. Ste blinks to try and see. His vision clears. Amy and the kids. Surrounded by a white light, while Ste remains caked in darkness. He smiles at his children. Older than he remembers them. Now they're in a garden. Beautiful flowers surround them. Full of life. Colourful. The perfect place for his kids to play. They're dressed in white- a complete contrast to the dark clothes Ste wears), running around happily. It makes Ste smile proudly. Leah stops playing with her brother suddenly, worry crinkling her forehead._

"_Mummy, where's Daddy?"_

_A laugh. Amy's. "He's coming"_

_That's his cue. He tries to walk to them. He can't. He moves his legs but gets no where. Vines from the garden curl around him, preventing him from moving towards them. He calls out to them. They don't hear him. A man walks into the garden. He too wears white clothes and smiles to them._

"_Daddy" the kids say simultaneously. They run to the imposter and he bends down, enveloping them in his arms. They are no longer in view. The man opens his arms again and the kids aren't there. He turns to Amy and smiles wickedly._

_No. Screaming. No. No. No._

_And then the light flashes and everyone's gone. BOOM. Ste's on his own again. The garden is still there.. The flowers and plants are no longer the vibrant blooms they were just mere moments ago . They've withered. They're dead. Their bright petals have transformed into brown leaves. The whole garden is a mixture of browns and blacks and greys. Even the grass has died. He reaches forward. Picks a petal from the nearest flower. The leaf disintegrates in his hand, then the flower. Then the whole garden._

_Darkness again. He can't see anything. He only feels a cold, chilling breeze. He rubs his arm from the chill. He feels wet. He withdraws his hands; red with blood._

_A tear falls from his face._

_Another bright flash leaves him blinded for a few seconds and he stumbles back. BOOM._

_He's caught by someone. He can smell them. Mint. Tee-tree. Brendan. He tries to turn round, to ask for help. He's held steady; trapped by Brendan's arms._

_He laughs in his ear. "Weakling"_

_And then he drops him and he hurtles to the floor._

_A flash and Brendan's no longer there. Just his voice._

"_You're alone Stephen. In this dark place. On ye own"_

_And then there's silence. And suddenly someone looms over him. Oh god. Its Terry._

"_Time to put you out of your misery, son."_

_And Terry reaches forward._

Ste_ screams, and screams and screams._

"Stephen. Stephen!"

Stes eyes flickered open to be greeted by the worried face of Brendan staring down at him.

Ste brought his hand up to his face and realised he'd been crying. _Fucking bad dreams._

"Brendan." Ste said quietly, wanting to sit up, yet not being able to due to how close Brendan's face was. He'd embarrassed himself enough as it was. Brendan moved so he was sat on the bed next to him.

"Are you okay?"

"Yep."

"Why were you screaming?"

"Bad dream"

"What was it about?"

"Don't remember." He did, but he wasn't about to indulge this information to Brendan, was he?

Brendan sensed he didn't want to talk about it and moved onto another subject.

"I er came round to drop off the clothes you left at mine yesterday, after you... er... Cheryl washed them."

Ste nodded. "Why didn't you knock?"

"I did and ye didn't answer the door. Heard... crying coming from ye bedroom, so I let meself in."

"Oh." Ste tilted his head in understanding. He got up from the bed, put on his slippers and led the way to the living room and kitchen area. Ste had cleaned it up best he could from his out burst the other day, but there was still the rather... _obvious_ hole in the cupboard door.

Brendan observed it with mild interest as Ste leant back against the counter. "How'd that happen?"

"Kicked it." Ste said with a shrug. Brendan allowed himself a small smile.

"Shoulda said, what with me being your land lord and such, I should know about these things... so I can have 'em fixed."

"It's alright. Hardly life threatening."

Brendan looked at Ste with his head cocked to the side.

"Ye still wearing my clothes?" He asked, amused.

Ste blushed. _Shit, _he had forgotten about that. "I er. Yes. Well, I didn't have any clothes left, 'cept work cos I 'aven't kept up with me washing... I'll wash 'em and give 'em back to you tomorrow though." Blatantly he was lying through his teeth, but he wasn't about to tell Brendan it was because they smelt of him, now was he?

Brendan shook his head. "Too small for me anyway. Ye can keep 'em."

"...Oh...well ta." Ste said, twiddling his thumbs.

An awkward silence passed for a while.

"Sorry." They both said at once, then looked at each other quizzically.

"What ye sorry about?"

"You first."

"Okay." Brendan sighed. "I'm sorry, I pushed ye away yesterday and-"

"It's fine." Ste interrupted. "It was my fault anyway. I should have never tried to... It's obvious you don't have feelings for me any more so-"

Brendan's eyes widened in disbelief. "Don't have feelings for you any more?" Brendan laughed hollowly. "You believe that? Really? C'mon Stephen."

"Well, it's obvious, innit? You rejected me. Since when does Brendan Brady reject a kiss? It would be the perfect dirt for you to have on me. To split up me and Doug! That's what your gonna do innit? Tell Doug! Talk about kick a man when he's down Brendan-"

"Stephen, will you shut up? Listen to yourself will ye!"

"NO! You listen! I'm having a shit week and you ain't making it any better!"

"And you think that _you_ kissing _me_ is _my_ fault? Grow a brain cell will ye?"

"I bet you're so glad I tried it on with ya! It gives you a position of power dunnit? You can wreck me and Doug's relationship now! That's what you're gonna do, innit? Pathetic, Brendan."

Brendan was taken aback. Ste had never spoken so... cynically. It didn't suit him. Brendan was used to the baby-blue-eyed boy who'd giggle childishly, barely looking over 18. Sure he'd said some things to Brendan, but speaking so... freely? Brendan's answer came out before he had even thought about it. It really snowballed their argument.

"... You're the one who came knocking on my door yesterday, snivelling like a girl because his kids had left!"

"Well maybe it was because I thought you cared! Clearly the whole time you were just taking the piss. I thought you'd understand"

"How can you even say that, Stephen?-"

"Well at least I'm still going to see my kids and be a good dad, not some messed _up_ screw _up_ like YOU!"

"That's enough Stephen." Brendan spoke quietly, rising to leave the flat before he did something he'd regret. _He was past that._

Ste sprung up suddenly, a challenged look on his face. "Is it? I don't think it is. You fucking manipulative, controlling, wanker bastard!"

Brendan breathed out through his nostrils slowly, attempting to keep his anger from flaring. Perhaps a year ago Brendan would have struck Stephen by now, but he was beyond that, and felt no compulsion to "hit a man when he's down" literally.

"Stephen. Stop speaking." Brendan said eventually, through clenched teeth, articulating every word.

"Why, what you gonna do, hit me? Go on then, I dare ya! _I DARE YA!_" Ste stood, defiant, his arms spread wide as though welcoming Brendan to strike him.

"I'm leaving."

"Right, off goes Brendan, tail between his legs! Fucking coward. What you scared of? Scared you're gonna hit me? You are aren't you? I've given you the perfect reason to, 'unt I?"

"What would you have me do Stephen?" Brendan asked calmly, feeling a little moved at the tears beginning to form in Ste's eyes, knowing really he had caused them, as recollections of his violence spun around in Ste's head.

"You're right. Go..." Ste tailed off, then looked up again, sternly. "Go and leave me the fuck alone from now on. All you do is mess with my head, and I don't need that."

Brendan sniffed, leaving the flat.

_Leave him the fuck alone? _Brendan bloody would. Little did Brendan know, in the oncoming weeks without him around, Stes world would crumble, just like the garden in Stephens dream. And no one would be there to prevent it.

_**TBC**_

* * *

**So things took an interesting turn did they not? Did I surprise you all? Poor Ste :'(**

**I promise nothing completely disasterous happens. Ste does not become suicidal or anything, I love the character too much to kill the poor thing off. He's been through enough don't you think?**

**Thank you to puffles, who read through this for me yet again, she's fab. Also, thank you to my two lovely PM'ers Rainbowmoonshine and Electricviolinist (leccy). If you ever need a decent conversation, whether it be to slag off how terrible Hollyoaks was (such as Riley proposing – **_**what a knob**_**) or to discuss camping or school or any load of old cobblers, go and talk to them.**

**Anyway, I hope the chapter was up to scratch, and if it wasn't tell me, and I'll stop slacking.**

**Let me know what you think.**

**Until the next time,**

**Tea**

**x**


	4. Part 4

**All Too Much**

**AN – Hello everyone! Thanks for all your reviews, and favouriting and following and so forth. I'm well chuffed! Updates may not be so frequent now I'm back at school (boo, hiss). I get ten ton of stupid homework which I have to do every night and sadly, it's getting to GCSES ( _yay_) so I really need to pay attention. Thank you for all those who read "Chemistry In The Kitchen" too! All those who reviewed, favourited and all that other stuff are lovely and make me keep writing junk for you all! **

**Here is the fourth installment of All too Much...**

* * *

**Part 4**

It had been a week since Ste and Brendan's argument. _A Thursday. _Doug had called Ste the night before and left yet another voice mail, this time telling him his parents were leaving Hollyoaks so he would be in to talk things through. Ste was basically _ecstatic_ at the thought. He didn't want to see Doug, it was as simple as that. Not because he was angry with him – which he was – but because Ste was just as guilty, in fact more so, than Doug was. Whilst Ste was angered by his fake girlfriend, which realistically meant nothing, Ste had gone and actually cheated on his American, loveable, caring boyfriend. And who with? His ex. The one who beat him black and blue, degraded him, made him feel worthless. Ste was clearly a masochist. And a _terrible_ person.

It was 8.05AM when Doug came in, weary expression on his face, holding a huge, expensive bouquet of flowers and some chocolates. He wasn't making Ste feel any better. There was Doug, feeling terrible for hurting Ste, when realistically, it wasn't him who had messed up. _It was Ste. _He no longer felt angry with Doug. He just wanted for him to hug him and tell him things would get better. To tell Ste he was there with him, helping him through...

Doug walked over to Ste slowly, as if approaching a spooked animal, and trying not to scare it away.

"I'm sorry I'm late," Doug said cautiously. "I, er, was getting you flowers." Doug blushed a little then, and Ste found it endearing.

"Thank you..." Ste said, his voice cracking. Doug handed him the flowers awkwardly, waiting for Ste to put them down before he resumed talking.

"I'm sorry about everything with Leanne, Ste," Doug said quietly, his eyes probing Stes. "I'm sorry I didn't support you when you were going through a rough patch."

"It's okay Doug," Ste whispered, grasping Doug's hand, eager to forgive him so everything could go back to normal. He just needed someone to talk to. "It's all okay."

Doug spoke again, still in that soft voice of his. "I'm also sorry that I think we should have a break. Spend some time on our own for a while." Doug brought Stes hand up to his lips and kissed the back of it tenderly. _Trying to soften the blow._

Ste was taken aback. "You... you're breaking up with me?" _No. That couldn't happen. _

Doug took a breathe and nodded. "It's not that I don't love you or don't want you... I just think some time without each other might help."

Ste stood stock still, trembling. He was on his own. He had no one. No Amy. No Doug. No Brendan. _He was alone. _

"Please don't leave me," Ste pleaded, holding onto Doug's hand tightly. "I'm sorry! Please don't go." _No. He can't leave me. I'll have nobody._

Doug, with much difficulty, pulled his hand from Stes.

"Ste... At the moment we're not right for each other. My parents – they think me and my _girlfriend_ are getting married for _cripes_ sake. Leanne told them, and now they're fussing with that and I can't stop them. I've hurt you enough, I don't want to put you through any more..." Doug explained, an earnest expression on his face.

"And Ste... I know what happened with you and Brendan... I know you went to his after what happened at the deli. And I saw you come out of his flat, crying-"

Ste began to plead with him.

"I'm, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kiss him, Doug. I promise!" _Take me back. Take me back. Take me back. Please._

"It's okay Ste. I'm not mad!" Doug reassured Ste, who was quaking. "You needed support and comfort, which I didn't provide, so you sought it from Brendan. Hey, Hey! It's okay."

Ste nodded, making a conscious effort to calm down. _Maybe Doug feels even with me now. We could still be together._

Doug nodded. " We can still be friends though Ste. That's how this all started, remember? Yeah?" _He doesn't want me. No._ Oh God.

"Yeah" Ste said faintly. _Not Doug. I thought Doug would stay with me forever. He said he loved me. _

"And I think you should take today off, okay? I know I've been unfair on you, leaving you to deal with the deli while I've been giving my parents the grand tour of Hollyoaks."

"Okay." _He doesn't want to be anywhere near me. Maybe he knows about what I do. That's scared him off. He doesn't love me because I'm damaged. _

"Go home and put your feet up, yeah?"

"Okay."

And then Doug was pulling him into a hug, reassuring him things would get better with time. How Ste wished that was true.

XOX

Ste walked home the long way, taking idle steps, in no real rush to get back to the flat. He stayed away from the high street, wandering around the park for a bit, where no one else could see him. If they saw him, would they know too? What, in the absence of his kids, he had become?

Ste eventually arrived home, making himself a cup, of tea, and retrieving the box he had hidden from his sight in the top kitchen drawer. Since the first time he'd spied the contents Ste hadn't been near it again. He was too nervous about what it would do to him. Now though, feeling as numb as he did, he thought it was time.

He went and sat, leant up against the sofa, resting his tea on the coffee table. He flipped open the box and picked up the three cards, resting on top of the contents in the box. He read Amy's first.

_Ste,_

_We've had our ups and downs, and I want you to know how proud of you I am. _

_You achieved so much, despite having the weight of the world upon your shoulders._

_I'm not going to talk about any of the bad stuff, just remind you of the good._

_You delivered our baby Ste! Thats a rare achievement and you should be so proud._

_You own a deli! Your very own business, which you pulled up from scratch. _

_You have a lovely boyfriend, caring and generous and kind._

_You have two beautiful children, who will always love you, and you them._

_You've gotten over some serious situations in your life, things that could make or break a person._

_But most importantly, you have changed. You've grown up from the naughty schoolboy,_

_who had an exceedingly tough home life, into a truthful, loving young man. _

_Call me up whenever you need a chat, love you!_

_Ames_

_xxxx_

The picture on the front was of a flower. It was sort of like a rose, with white petals, tipped with pink. _A Cornelia. _Ste knew that because they were his nan's favourite. His mums mum. Ste always really liked her. Never got to see her too much, mind, after Terry said they couldn't. Always said she "_twisted Pauline's mind_" making her believe things which weren't true. Ste wondered where his nan was now. Alive? She was getting on a bit. Ste sighed and put down Amy's card, moving onto Leah's next. He braced himself and turned it over, examining the front. There, Ste was drawn, dressed all in pink, with no feet. At the top, it said '_whirlds _best dad'. Ste smiled, flipping it over to read what was written inside.

_To Daddy_

_I miss you. Please visit us in Manchesta_

_Luv Leah_

_x x x x_

She'd drawn little love hearts surrounded what she'd written, and stuck glitter stickers everywhere. _So Leah. He_ turned it round to the back and found the trademark "_Leah Productions_" scrawled. She wrote that on everything she made.

Ste put Leah's card down, carefully next to Amy's He didn't know whether he'd put those up properly or not. If he did it would constantly remind him of them... But was that a good thing? Not necessarily. It would just make him remember they weren't living with him. Ste sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. He picked up the last card – Lucas'. He examined it with a soppy smile gracing his lips. It had a drawing of all of them, Amy, Ste Leah and Lucas. They seemed to be in a garden somewhere, all holding hands. It was strange. The scene Lucas had drawn – it reminded Ste of that place in his ever recurring nightmarish dream. They were all wearing white garments too – Ste as well. Feeling slightly freaked out by this, Ste flicked open the card to see what was written. Amy's neat hand writing covered the page.

Daddy,

I miss you lots. I will be sad not to kiss and cuddle you everyday, and you when you read me story books.

I hope you will see us a lot, and that we can come and visit you too.

Love from Lucas.

And then Lucas had signed his name, in green crayon and massive letters. Ste put Lucas' card down next to the other two.

Surprisingly, Ste didn't feel too emotional. He still had the dull ache in his chest that he silenced with the blade. He still felt insecure and nauseated by the idea of spending the rest of his life alone but... something had shifted. Acceptance. Ste accepted that he was lonely, and by himself.

_And that wasn't necessarily a good thing..._

The rest of that day Ste spent pawing through the box. There was a large stack of photos placed in there so he looked at all of those too, taking in every detail. When night came Ste got up from where he was on the floor and took himself off to bed, where a new dream haunted him.

XOX

_Running. He's running. Trying to get to the house. The big white house. Stumbling over things, the roots of trees, stones, weeds. They slowing him down. Its dark. So dark. He cannot see. And it's raining. The rain is red. Blood. And its running from his arms. Dripping. The red rain is making the ground slippery. He looks up, the blood stinging his eyes. The white house has gone. It has been replaced with a murky red one. Amy and the kids exit the building, he can see them running to a car. A white car. _

"_Wait for me" he screams to them. As the house begins to disintegrate. Amy gets in the front. The kids are in the back. And they drive off. And then Stes in the house. And it crumbles around him._

_He's surrounded by dust. He coughs, choking on it. He feels a soothing hand stroke his back, then tap it, like you do when someone is coughing. Then the hand moves. It's no longer soft. It's hard and cold. Holding his neck. Tightening. And then he's being hauled back. Now he's in a cave._

"_Stay here." A voice he doesn't recognise demands. "No one can see you filthy secret here."_

_And then the cave is completely dark and Stes left in the cove of despair once again._

XOX

Ste woke up sweating. Hot and Humid. _Sticky._ He needed release. Something, _ANYTHING _to keep the pain in his chest from spreading, down to his tortured soul and further still. He couldn't deal with it. Ste picked himself up from the bed and had a rummage in his drawer, picking out the familiar shard of china, sharp edge glinting as if to tempting him to use it. Except he didn't need tempting. He was already sold on using it. He had become very reliant on the piece of china in the past days. It was almost comforting that he knew he just had to find that and everything would be okay. Everything would be fine. Both his arms were already cut up, so he couldn't do anything there. Instead, he raised the baggy white T – Shirt he was wearing and pressed it into the skin above his naval. It stung. He pressed it harder and it cut the skin, harder still and he was in excruciating pain. Ste put the shard on his chest of drawers.

He sat back down on his bed, resting against the headboard.

And it was there he remained, eyes open and staring, til morning broke.

_**TBC**_

**This chapter was being a pain in the posterior, writing-wise. I added/deleted/added/deleted elements and completely changed how I ended it about 8 times, and this is how it, uh , turned out, I suppose. I found this really difficult to get right!**

**Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, let me know what you think!**

**Tea x**


	5. Part 5

**All Too Much**

**AN – Here is the fifth installment of 'All Too Much', and I sincerely apologise for the humongous gap in-between the post of this chapter, and the last... I have been extremely busy, what with school work (teachers seem to think I have nothing else to do), cadets (don't even ask), white water rafting and a new-born baby. **

**Don't worry.****It's not mine. **

**In case you have forgotten what has happened so far in this story, due to the lack of updates (I'm very sorry, please forgive me), here is a brief summary. **

**Amy and the kids have left Ste, on his own, after the decision is made for them to elope to Manchester. Ste feels isolated and alone, so turns to self harm (sob) in order to remedy the feeling of pain which he is experiencing due to their departure. Ste has an argument with not only Brendan, but Doug too, which leaves him all alone. Doug and Ste split up just a day later... **

**This part of the story is more of a _reflective_ chapter, compared to previous bits which are more action-packed, _or so I like to think._.. I promise the next chapter will be back to normal...**

**I hope you enjoy the chapter, and in theory, my updates should be more frequent as it's half term soon, and I'll have time to put pen to paper... Well, fingers to keyboard technically...**

* * *

**Part 5**

Ste clasped his phone in his cold hands, waiting for something. He wasn't sure what... Amy, maybe? Amy telling him she didn't like Manchester and was coming back? He'd like that. Or would he? Would he want them to come back and see what he had done to himself, what he'd done to the place that was once referred to as a stable and loving family home? An environment where his kids could play safely, with the knowledge everything was okay? He surveyed the flat tiredly. It was a mess. A real mess. But then again, Ste didn't have any visitors coming so who cared? It was only himself and his thoughts in that flat. And so long as it stayed that way, Ste didn't care about trivial matters such as washing up, or hoovering.

He had been sat in his flat for two weeks now. He hadn't left once. Doug had called him, first off, sounding genuinely concerned for his well being. _Good actor_. No, Doug didn't really care about him, and he didn't blame him. He was disgusting. The fact he had to make himself feel better with the sharp remnant of a vase, spoke volumes about him, Ste thought. Anyway, Doug had called, asked him where he was, what he was doing. Ste had lied to him. He told him he was going to take a break, go on holiday; see the kids. Doug accepted this. They hadn't spoke since, except for a few texts from the American, checking up on him. Ste hadn't replied to any of them.

So in that flat, for two weeks, Ste sat. He pondered everything. His initial thoughts were lain with Terry and Pauline: his mother and step – father, if you could call them that. Their parenting skills weren't those to be admired. He wondered whether Pauline was okay, if she was still coping. Still alive even. Breathing. Ste pondered whether she was still drinking._ Of course she was._ She needed something to drown the pain, like Ste did. Whilst she hid behind the drink, Ste found solace with the blade. Different methods of coping, both efficient yet ultimately they were both slippery slopes to descend onto.

At the time, when Ste lived in that house that held so many blood-stained memories, he resented Pauline for her drinking. It would be half ten in the morning on a Tuesday and she'd be off her face, or passed out in the living room from the night before. He wanted to shout at her, scream at her to get up, and shake out of her reverie, but he was too late._ Always too late. _Terry would be there. He'd hit her, thump her, make her cry, make her bleed. She'd plead with him, ask him to stop, and he never would. He wouldn't stop til he was satisfied. Ste wanted to tell her to be strong. Not to let Terry treat her the way he did. But he never could.

He was weak; just like his mum.

Terry began to abuse him too. It started with put downs, swearing, an occasional push, a hit to the head. Then it got more serious. He'd push him down the stairs or shove him into a wall. The worst Ste remembered was when he beat him up so bad, he didn't go into school for a week. It was because he'd called the teacher 'a fat cow', and Terry had had to come up to the school to take him home. He'd gone ballistic. Thumped him so many times he was hit out cold. One eye was swollen shut; the rest of his face was cut up. His ribs were fractured. His body was littered in bruises, varying in size and shade. That was when Pauline decided that enough was enough. She tried to leave, said she wanted her little boy to be safe. She packed 2 bags whilst Terry was at the pub, and planned to leave, with Ste in tow, before he got back. But that didn't happen. Terry returned earlier than expected. He asked, rather drunkenly, what she was doing, and she tried to walk around him, carry both bags and with Ste traipsing behind her. Terry became violent, like Ste knew he would, and threatened to kill Pauline if she ever tried anything like that again.

So they stayed. They remained in that house in which didn't feel like a home. Just an empty shell in which they all lived. They were trapped. Almost held captive, in their own house. After that, Pauline's alcohol consumption increased dramatically, as did the frequency of Terry's outbursts. Sometimes, there wouldn't even be reason any more. Ste would come home, to be faced with fists he wasn't entirely sure he deserved. And due to the lack of attention he was getting at home, he acted out at school. That was where he met Amy.

_Poor Amy. _

They became a couple, and he really loved her, did Ste... But being brought up in an environment where he thought domestic abuse was the norm, he followed in the foot steps of his substitute father. He hit Amy, just like Terry hit his mum. He pressured her into sex. And he hated himself for it. He was a bully, a thug. Every time after he had thumped her one, and she had left him alone, her eyes bright from crying, and her body bruised and broken, he would feel horrible. _Terrible. _He wanted to hit himself. He wanted to run after her, and envelope her in his arms and say "_I'm sorry_", and promise to her he'd never do it again. And keep that promise. But he couldn't. He'd strike out before he'd thought about it, his body going without the consent of his brain, with no thought and bang. She'd have broken ribs or swollen eye or split lip, and there would be nothing he could do. Nothing. _Monster. _

He hated, _loathed _himself. He always had done, right from a boy, mind. Terry's put down's and violence seen to that. He always viewed himself as a bit of shit on someone's shoe. Not even worthy of thought process. That was what had shaped him into that person. The boy who beat up the girl he was supposedly in love with. Even when Amy was pregnant with Leah, Ste found it difficult to keep his fists to himself.

He managed to land himself in young offenders soon enough. Was slung in there for a couple of months for joy-riding. He caused an accident and a pregnant Amy, as well as Michaela, Fletch and Josh were inside the car. Fletch grassed him up, so Ste found himself stuck in cross-fords with a bunch of adolescents, feeling angry and betrayed. Ste convinced himself he didn't care. It wasn't like anyone else did, was it? He didn't care that he was inside, and he didn't care that he'd been snitched on, by a supposed _mate_. He was stuck in prison and there was nothing he could do.

That was when he met Callum, his best mate inside. Callum helped him deal with being in prison. He stuck up for him when Ste was getting flack in the food hall. He consoled him when Ste didn't get any visiting orders or post from anyone _again. _Callum taught him what it was like to have a proper friend, and that made Ste feel... contented. Yes, he was in young offenders. Yes, he had parents that couldn't give a shit about him. Yes, his grades were low and his dyslexia made it difficult for him to accomplish certain aspects he faced in life. But really, Callum was the first person to understand him. And Ste began to fall for him. He developed feelings for him, and the became very difficult for him to submerge.

He began to see Callum in a new light. When they showered, Ste found it difficult not to look at him. When they were laid on prison bed, talking, Ste struggled to contain himself at their close proximity.

Nothing happened of course. Ste kept those feelings bottled up, locked away within him, where no one could get to them... _Or so he thought_...

He escaped the clutches young offenders a few months later. He said goodbye to Callum, and hadn't seen him since. Ste wasn't sure whether that was a good thing or not.

Her went back to Amy, of course, after convincing her that he'd changed. She took him back basically immediately._ She shouldn't have. _Mike, Amy's father, wasn't so accepting though. He made his distaste of Ste known from day one, when Amy first brought him home. Ste had always felt the Barnes' family, aside from Amy, looked down their noses at him. He didn't blame them, really. He was a bad influence on Amy. He made her lie about Leah having leukaemia so people in the village would give them money. He still beat her up on occasion. He smoked weed with Fletch in the flat they were bringing Leah up in. He was still a bad little school boy.

That changed though, when Amy became pregnant again. This was the vital catalyst which acted in changing him into a better person. On the news he was to become a dad again, Ste decided he had to seek help. And he did. He went to anger management classes. He got himself a job, working in II Gnosh. _He changed. _

And then he changed again when he met Brendan. The actual reason his path collided with the Irishman's, was due to Ste being dishonest, perhaps. He was fired from II Gnosh, after he stole a bit of business from the owner, Tony, by catering for Chez-Chez. It cost him his job, that little slip up, and what with having kids to support, having a income source was essential. He attempted to blackmail Brendan for a job in the nightclub. He told him that he'd seen him scarper into the clubs office with "the local tottie" and that he was to tell Cheryl about it if Brendan didn't relent and give him a job. Brendan considered it.

_Then he punched him the face. _

It sent Ste flying across the room. He landed on the table unconscious.

It got him a job working there though. Ste threatened to go to the police about Brendan's assault, so Brendan said he'd give him a job to keep him quiet.

And so it began. The first couple of weeks weren't without drama, of course, but soon they set into a routine. Brendan and Ste began to spend more time in one another's presence. They began to recognise each others traits and mannerisms, like Ste's inane chatter, or Brendan's penchant for snacking. Ste found himself liking it when Brendan gave him some attention.

They kissed one night, after a night out in town, when Brendan had been let down by some of his mates. "A perfect night of the pull", he called it. So they were in the pub and they had to home because Brendan had left his money at home. They were sat on the sofa, and Ste stood up, and then he tripped, over a table leg or Brendan's foot or something, and then Brendan was laying on top of him, after trying to stop him from falling, and then Brendan's hands were on his face, and his mouth was close and Ste leant upwards and-.

He pressed his lips to Brendan.

And that really got the ball rolling. Brendan acted disgusted at first, at Ste kissing him. Ste felt like a right pillock, and ran home. He thought he was gonna get the sack, did Ste. He went into work the next day, and decided to bite the bullet and talk to Brendan. In the office. He apologised and Brendan said all was forgotten. The later that day, Brendan sent Ste down on an errand to the cellar, and locked the door. That was when Ste truly believed he was gonna get a bashing. He was so scared. He held the crate up to defend himself and Brendan took it away from him and backed him up against a pillar. Ste closed his eyes and expected a fist to come and he was really worried and panic was coursing through his veins and he was so scared-

A light pressure against his mouth. Lips. Brendan's

_He was giving Ste a kiss. _He pulled away, smiled and gave him another small peck on the lips. Pulled away. Then finally dived in with tongues dancing, teeth clacking and hands grabbing, desperate. And it was all cemented into place. The foundations to the relationship which was developed over two years. One involving pain and heart-break, jealousy and anger, as well as lust, desire and passion.

It turned out Brendan was gay. Yes. But was homophobic too. An oxymoron if there ever was one. He abused Ste. Beat him up every time he did something Brendan didn't like. If he touched him the wrong way, or said something, or looked at him Brendan's fist would come out, quick as a wink, and knock the wind from his sails. Brendan had the knack of making Ste feel like he was worthless; useless. Ste let it happen at the beginning. The first time, he even apologised to Brendan for _making _him hit him. Crazy or what? Ste supposed that was the reason he now had self confidence of an obese cyclist entering the tour de France. All the knocks to his body had taken their toll.

But Ste wasn't sure if Brendan's abuse was solely the cause of his problems today. In fact, Brendan hadn't raised a hand to him in over 9 months. Then what was it?

Probably a mix of things.

_The fact his blood father abandoned his mother and him before he was born._

_The fact his step father abused him from a very young age, until his teens._

_The fact he was rubbish at school and the teachers wanted nothing to do with him._

_The fact he hit Amy, which was consequently like hitting himself._

_The fact Amy's family hated him._

_The fact he was abused by his first gay lover, in which he cared about so much._

_The fact he cheated on Rae, when she was pregnant._

_The fact his second lover, Noah, cheated on him twice, making him self worth drop even more._

_The fact he lost his job in Chez Chez, and again, felt useless in helping his family, not being able to pay the bills._

_And the fact he now self harmed._

A tear slipped, unchecked down Stes face. Just one though.

One tear for a life time worth of pain.

_**TBC**_

* * *

**So, what did we think, ladies and gents? Updates from now on should be far more regular, I can assure you.**

**I hope this isn't too traumatic for any of you, let me know if it is, but the storyline will remain the same. **

**I hope this chapter was up to your expectations, please review and let me know what you think.**

**Tea**

**x**


	6. Part 6

**All Too Much**

**AN – Thank you for reviews! Here is the next installment . Also, Dougie boys gonna bit weird in the soap, and personally, I think he'd been changed and now he's OOC, so this is more like the old, not possessive, controlling and insecure Doug. **

* * *

**Part 6 **

Brendan entered the deli for the 5 day consecutively, hoping to catch even a glimpse of the Mancunian boy he had secretly so worried about. He wasn't in. _Again. _Brendan found himself wondering why. Maybe he was just taking a break or something? He was obviously still in the village – due to being his land lord Brendan knew he'd been running water, etcetera – but was obviously not coming into work. He could understand that, the boy had had a lot of his plate of late. The opening of the deli, the romance with Dougie, his kids leaving. Brendan remembered when he'd had to leave his kids. It had been horrible. But that was the difference between his and Stevens predicaments. While Stephen had been abandoned so to speak, it was Brendan who had left his kids, not the other way round. God, it probably felt ten times worse. Stephen hadn't even had a say in the matter. While it was Brendan's choice to leave, Stephen had been coerced by Amy no doubt, into letting them leave for Manchester.

Still. Brendan wasn't supposed to care after the boy had bitten his head off. He'd only been trying to help, and bam. He was being called all the names under the sun, and being ushered out of the flat, quicker than you could blink. Temperamental bugger. Brendan, not usually known for being the kind to discuss feelings, there, ready and willing to offer some comfort, and it was thrown back in his face. Then again, it wouldn't hurt if he just asked Douglas- he'd know, surely? They were still together, were they not?

"Douglas", he greeted the yank, as the last of the customers scampered off, paninis, and rolls in hands.

Doug sighed irritably, he_ hated _Brendan. "What can I do for you?"

Brendan sniffed. "Ye got any of those cheese and pepperoni spice sticks?" Brendan knew they were Stephen speciality, and only he made them. He felt rather clever really, he had guided the conversation in the direction of Stephen, whilst seeming nonchalant and disinterested.

"Only Ste makes those, and he isn't in."

"Isn't he?" Brendan looked around, pretending to search for the boy. "Shame. Where is he?"

"Not here."_ God, why did the yank have to be so secretive?_

"Why aren't ye with him?" Brendan probed.

"We aren't attached at the hip you know..."

He sounded a little bitter.

"Trouble in paradise, Dougie?"

"Brendan, I don't really want to talk to you about Ste." Doug told him sternly. The boy looked tired.

Brendan spoke again. "Stephen hasn't been in for a while... Could ye tell me why?"

Another sigh. "Fine... He's – he's gone to Manchester to stay with Amy."

"He's in Manchester with her?"

Doug looked like he wondered whether he should have disclosed such information.

"Yes." Just then some customers came into the shop – signalling the end of their conversation. Brendan left – heading straight over to the Hollyoaks estate.

XOX

Ste rocked on the floor, and jumped when the phone rang. If it was Doug again, he swore he was going to tell him to bugger off . It was Amy. Oh god. What had happened? Had she found out about him? Was she coming back? She couldn't come back. The flat was in a right state. He decided to ignore it. It rung again, so he sent a text.

_Busy at Deli, I'll ring ya soon xxxxx_

She replied in seconds.

_I thought you were ignoring me :P xoxo_

He was really. He had no intention of ringing her back. He was scared that if he did, he'd break under hearing her voice. Or she'd put him on the phone to one of the children, and they'd tell him how great everything was and how they'd made new friends. It would be horrible for him. So instead of facing up to the torture that came with calling Amy back, he went and got a pack on lagers out of the fridge. It was all that was in there now. He'd long ran out of fridge food, and when he had been out to the shops nearly two weeks ago, all he'd bought was alcohol and some crisps, which he had already eaten. He had hundreds of tins of the kids foods,_ spaghetti hoops _by the dozen, but he wasn't going to eat those. Ever.

Swigging he lager, he let it take him off to some other place, hopefully where he didn't feel as torn as he did now.

XOX

Brendan didn't knock on the door of the flat. He figured if Stephen was away, then a bunch of squatters had taken it upon themselves to move in, and he couldn't be dealing with that. He was going to go in without warning, tell them to bugger off, and then leave. It was a good plan.

He let himself in, taking in the familiar smell of damp, and musk that came with a budget flat. Surprisingly, it was Stephen in the flat, all along.

_I thought Douglas said he was with Amy? _He was currently slouching the arm chair, knees brought into his chest and arms placed protectively over them. His eyes were open, and staring, almost unseeing into the wall, as if seeing further still, into another world. He hadn't noticed Brendans arrival, then.

On closer inspection, Brendan found the boy looked ill. His skin no longer held the vibrant, healthy glow, accompanied with a light sun tan, he had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was stuck up at odd angles, and it looked like there was blood on his shirt.

_Oh shit, had be been injured?_

"Stephen?"Brendan asked, panicked. The boy didn't respond."Stephen?"

Brendan rushed forward to check him. He went to lift up Stephens shirt, but the boy suddenyl snapped into action, trying to pull the top down to cover his torso again. He was too late. Brendan had already seen.

Dozens of slits ran over Stephens stomach, varying in depth and length. On top of this, his ribs were more prominent that ever, jutting out violently like he had been a victim of starvation. Letting his shirt fall back down, he pulled up the boys sleeves and found more cuts, the lacerations littering his arms.

Taking a step away from Stephen, it dawned on him what he was dealing with.

Stephen was self harming.

He was cutting himself. He was starving himself. He hadn't been looking after himself.

But why?

Brendan had a feeling that the kids leaving had somewhat of an impact. Perhaps it was him too. Maybe Brendan had driven him to it. It wouldn't surprise him. He'd taught Stephen, wrongly so, that he was worthless, useless. He deserved to get beaten, hurt. Brendan suddenly felt sick. He wanted to cry. He wasn't one for tears, bu this was really getting to him. For weeks, Brendan hadn't been into the deli, or come round, in protest after Stephen had chucked him out. He felt like shaking himself. Because of his childishness, he hadn't been there to prevent this from happening. He'd abandoned him.

"Stephen what have you done?" He asked. The boy said nothing, instead stared at him, as if he was assessing him somehow. Brendan needed to clean him up.

He went and got some water.

Two minutes later and he came back, with a bowl of soapy warm water, a flannel, a baggy white top and a towel.

"Stephen. Can I take yer t-shirt off please?" Brendan asked quietly, feeling heart broken when he looked into Stephens soulless eyes.' _Stop it'_, he thought to himself, '_he just needs a clean up and he'll be good as new.'_

He didn't respond, so Brendan cauticiously peeled the garment from his skinny form, having to stop himself from gasping when he saw the total damage, that Stephen had inflicted upon himself. He wanted to shake the boy, and tell him off for damaging himself, but he knew it was a delicate matter. One slip up, wrong word, raised voice, and Stephen could recess even further, and he didn't want that.

Brendan took Stephens arm gently, and soaked the flannel. He gently moved the cloth over Stephens limb, feeling horrible when Stephen winced. Atleast he was finally evoking a reaction. The lack of acknowledgement prior to that had worried him more than a little.

"Hurts," Stephen said quietly, as Brendan pushed the flannel over a particularly vicious cut near his hip. Brendan was surpirsed he'd spoken, having thought he'd have to coax him, after his distant behaviour before.

"I'm sorry."

Brendan continued to wash the blood from Stephens damaged body, feeling sick when he looked into the bowl of red water. When he was finished washing the boy he towelled him dry, making sure to be extra soft, in fear of catching his cuts.

Clearly the boy felt unloved and uncared for, after his abandonment, and Brendan wanted to remedy that, but how? He had an idea. He needed to show the boy he loved him, _all of him_, so he'd show him.

He took hold of Stephsn's right arm and lifted it to his mouth, placing feather light kisses over the scarred skin. Ste tried to pull away, moving his arm weakly, but Brendan held on firmly. He found himself getting choked.

"I am never letting you get hurt again, okay?"

Stephens eyes clouded over then. They looked stormy, and soon enough the rain came, tears spilling down his face, as he chuffed out heart wrenching sobs, that shook his whole body. Clearly, the emotions he thought he was suppressing with the blade, were re-emerging, all coming together at once and ultimately breaking the boy.

Brendan took him into his arms, letting the boy grasp the lapels of his suit jacket, and bury his face into his neck, as Brendan cradled his body, whispering comforting words to try and soothe him.

They sat like that for some time.

_**TBC**_

**Guys I am so sorry my updates are so spaced out! I'm a school kid in the first year of GCSES so studying is sadly taking priority over updating my stendan fics at the moment.**

**Thank you for sticking with it though, I promise I will write as frequently as I can. **


	7. Part 7

**All Too Much**

**AN – Nearing the end soon... Thank you for all of your support with such a delicate storyline. Some of the comments I've had, whether it be a review, tumblr or otherwise, have been truly lovely, and always bring a smile to my face. I hope you've enjoyed (well not enjoyed because it's not a very nice storyline) but... stayed with the story and I hope you enjoy the outcome. But seriously... Some of the stuff being said is really lovely, so thank you xxx**

* * *

**Part 7**

They went through, and talked about it. How Ste had got there, what had made his resort to self harm and how they were going to get him better. It wasn't a pleasant experience for either party, with Ste occasionally clamming up or stopping talking altogether, and Brendan's twitching, and flinching when Ste talked about the blade. It was necessary though, and they would continue until they had reached a resolution – or closest to.

Neither spoke of their argument only weeks before. Instead they focussed on the most important matter; which was Ste regaining full health and well-being.

"I'm sorry." Brendan said when Ste had finished his recount of the past weeks, after much stuttering and starting, tears and tantrums.

"What for?" Ste asked, puzzled. His eyes looked hollow. It scared Brendan immensely.

"I wasn't there when you needed me."

"I don't need anyone."

Brendan bit his tongue. Right now, he wanted to shake the boy, tell him off for doing such things to himself, for getting himself into such a state. He couldn't though. Ste was balanced on a thin line between sanity and returning home, back to the place where he was comfortable, where he was only a few short, but seemingly long, months ago and Brendan didn't want to mess that up.

"Maybe you should see someone." Brendan concluded after a while. His hand stroked at Ste's thigh, unconsciously, as the lad sat crossed legged on the sofa next to him. It seemed to comfort him as well as Stephen.

"No!" Ste shot back almost immediately, looking horrified. "You can't send me to some shrink! They'll think I'm mad, they'll probably ask me a load of questions I don't want to answer and- no. No, I'm not seeing no one. No."

"But after your anger management.. I mean clearly talking about stuff works for you so-"

"NO! You can't! Please no. No, no, no, no." Ste suddenly looked traumatised, getting himself into a small ball as if protecting himself from Brendan, and rocking. He chanted "no" like a mantra. It was scaring Brendan. He could understand the boys reluctance to go. He had wanted to react similarly when Cheryl had suggested sibling counselling for them... He also felt guilty. Not only had he caused Stephen's fear now, as he clutched his legs... But he looked scared for other reasons. It reminded him of the times' when he'd... hit him, and his eyes would cloud over with pain and upset, and fright, and he'd wrap his arms around his legs, and shield himself away, as if worried Brendan would lash out at him again, strike him, hurt him, like he had done so many times before.

Brendan swore he'd never hurt him like that again. NEVER.

Brendan stroked the boys cheek. His skin was still soft, velvety. His had was still short at the sides and long at the top – thought flat now - , he still had a cute pointed nose, and a bunch of long bambi-like eyelashes... He was still him, but not_ HIM_. Any other person would still believe he was the same old Ste.. he looked the part for sure... But Brendan could see the dark rings under his eyes – probably caused by many a sleepless night, or the even more prominent air of fragility he now had about him. The light in his eyes which used to shine brightly, almost blindingly, now only flickered, like a dying flame... Brendan would be sure to relight it, no matter how long it took him. The boy seemed weak too. Surviving on only the basics, he had lost dramatic amounts of weight, and he was already verging on being underweight prior to _this_...

Brendan pulled Stephen to him, incasing him in his arms, the need to protect him overwhelming, stronger than ever. He kissed his hair and held him close, rocking him gently, back and forth, soothing whatever hell he was reliving.

Eventually Stephen spoke; his voice coming out timid and scratchy. "Will you make me see someone?"

"...No. Not if you don't want to."

"I don't want to."

Brendan nuzzled against him, wanting to offer him as much comfort and support as he could, knowing full well how much pain he was feeling.

"I was scared." Ste said quietly. Brendan felt a wave of emotion hit him. He tried to reign it in.

"What of?"

"... Being alone. Left- I, I don't want to die alone-"

Suddenly Ste was heaving great sobs, and they racked his body, sounding loud and heart broken, desolate and desperate.

"Hey. Hey! You're not going to be alone.. okay?... You are never, ever going to be left like this again. D'you hear me? Never. Not as long as I'm here, okay?" Brendan felt tears of his own stinging his eyes. Be damned if he let them leave his eyes... He needed to stay strong, be strong... He felt terrible when one escaped, sliding down his cheek.

"I think it's time you got some sleep Stephen." He said once the crying had stopped.

Suddenly Stephen was clinging to him. "You can't go! You can't leave me! Please!"

"Hey! I'm not gonna go anywhere. I'll just be sat here... probably tidying up or something."

"No!... Stay, uh with me please... Sleep in my bed with me..."

Brendan was surprised. He nodded his consent, and stood up with the boy, taking him into the bedroom, and lying them both down.

"Brendan?" Ste said after a while, into the darkness.

"Mmm?"

"Did you mean what you said earlier? About not leaving?"

"Every word."

And with that, Stephen fell asleep, and Brendan guaranteed that was going to be the best nights sleep he'd had in a while, and as he felt his own eyes close, he guessed it would be his too.


	8. Part 8

**All Too Much**

**AN – Bet you're all shocked right – It's an update!**

* * *

**Part Eight**

It took 2 long months before Ste seemed chirpier. Brendan spent almost every night with him, offering comfort by whatever means – whether it be cuddle or a chat, or going down the road and getting him some dinner. Ste began to work at the deli again, ensuring he wore his long sleeved shirts so no one could see the damage underneath; after all, he was still healing physically too. Doug didn't comment on Ste's behaviour over the previous weeks, instead welcoming him back with open arms and telling him what he'd missed since he'd been away. It all went back to normal, and for that, Ste was tremendously grateful.

What Ste was grateful for, most of all, was Brendan. He'd stuck by and looked after him, nursed him back to health, and genuinely supported him through one of the toughest times in his life. Not only had Ste's live been repaired... The relationship and dynamic between the two of them had been healed too. Ste was getting somewhere.

Brendan was good for him, despite what Amy said. Even Doug seemed to look at the Irishman differently, almost in awe of how he had changed Ste, and made him better. Doug had thought, rather sadly, he was a lost cause. His kids were his life.

Ste began returning Amy's calls, got themselves a regular routine so they were ensured they didn't miss each other. Leah and Lucas often came to the phone, giggling over the line and fighting for whose turn it was to talk to daddy. They'd recount silly little stories and Ste found out about Leah's starring role in the school play – little red riding hood – and she'd invited him down to watch.

Brendan had watched Ste slowly become the person he once was. Argumentative and stroppy, feisty and cute. When he'd first found Steven is such a mess, he'd been so worried. He felt racked with guilt, and anxious about the fragility of Ste's mental state. He loved Steven, always had, always would and to see someone he loved like that, hurt a lot. Steven had helped him in many aspects of his life, getting him to admit to his sexuality, restoring his relationship with his son, and sister. Ste had been there for him and supported him so much, and Brendan hadn't even realised. So when he found Ste that night, curled up on the sofa, blood soaked t-shirt, dull eyes, skinnier than ever before, he knew it was his turn to repay the favour. And he did.

He looked after him, talked through what had happened with Steven, made the boy realise he wasn't as useless as he thought he was. He was there with a shoulder to cry on, a ear to listen and mouth to offer advice. Their relationship had gone from hateful and cold, to friendship. Real, true, friendship. It warmed the cockles of Brendan's heart.

XOX

Ste lay on the sofa, bowl of popcorn on his stomach as he watched some film on the telly. The deli had been busy that day, they'd had to cater and drive food down to the local college, who were having an open day, then make some last minute food for a wedding buffet after a couple had called in that morning begging them to provide. Apparently their caterers had cancelled, so kindly Ste and Doug had stepped in and covered it all. It was good that they did, because they got a hefty £100 tip each for being so helpful and 'saving our big day'.

Ste heard a key in the door, staying where he was, knowing it to be Brendan himself in.

"Evenin', came a burly Irish voice, along with the aroma of curry and onion barjis.

"Bren, did you get take away?"

"I did." Brendan came in, kicking the door shut, and resting the trays of food on the kitchen counter. He washed his hands, before dishing up two bowls of curry, korma for him, butter chicken for Steven, along with a play full of Indian sides, and bringing it in to the living room. He handed Ste his bowl and sat down, Ste immediately resting his legs on his lap and leaning back a little into the sofa.

"This is the life, this is." Ste said idly, spooning some of his dinner into his mouth. "But I'm gonna get dead fat, me, I don't do any exercise now the Gym Bunny's gone."

Brendan raised his eyebrow at him, reaching for some naan bread. "S'more fat on a chip Steven. And the gym bunny? That Noah, Jesus." Ste sniggered.

They ate quietly, watching the film in a perfectly domesticated way.

Eventually, Brendan asked: "What shit we watchin'?"

"Dunno. Think it's men in black or summat. Was on Channel 5."

"Well it's shit."

Ste sighed, chucking the remote at Brendan, narrowly missing his head. "You choose somethin' then, moody."

"I ain't moody."

"Yar."

"How?!" Brendan asked petulantly.

Ste grinned, laughing a little before he put on his best Irish accent, imitating Brendan perfectly. "'What shit we watchin'?'"

Brendan looked affronted. "I do not talk like that!"

"You do a bit." Ste shuffled off the sofa, taking his and Brendan's empty bowls to the sink and washing them up. Then he went and sat for a night of telly with Brendan, like a typical Thursday evening in the Hay residence.

XOX

Ste's head lay on Brendan's legs as he carded his hands through his hair.

"S'nice this innit?" Ste said, surprising Brendan who thought he was asleep.

"Yeah." Brendan agreed, his hand soft of Steven's cheek.

Ste coughed a little, and sat up on the sofa, crossing his legs and looking at Brendan though his eye lashes.

"Bren... d'you, d'you think I'm better now?"

Brendan knew the day would come, it would be on the horizon one day, and it turned out that day was then.

Brendan considered before answering. "You're a lot better than you were."

Ste fiddled with his fingers, wondering whether he should tell Brendan what was on his mind. He decided he would.

"Well... now I'm... _better,_ d'you think maybe Ames would let me have the kids?"

"Does she know what happened?"

Ste shrugged, feeling dejected as he sensed the point Brendan was getting to."No."

"You gonna tell her?"

"...Maybe one day?"

Brendan smiled then, looking Ste squarely in the eyes. "Then yes... I think you're ready, and I think she will."

That night, Ste went to bed with a smile on his face.

**I'll try to update soon – I promise! x**


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